


Wonder

by Amberstarry



Category: The Sims (Video Games)
Genre: Anxiety, Confusion, Gender Confusion, Gender Issues, Genderfluid Character, Magic, The Sims 4, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:01:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24318490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amberstarry/pseuds/Amberstarry
Summary: Aine is gone and Morgyn is slated to take over her role as the new Sage of Untamed magic, but in his grief he doubts his ability to do so, just as he doubts his ability to truly understand himself.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	Wonder

Magic. 

Morgyn had never really considered it, never put much credence in the tales of yore about the witch trials and dark sorcery. As far as he was concerned they were fairy tales, exaggerated to the point of ludicrousness. It never occurred to him that one day he would find himself walking through a portal and discovering an entirely new world - and that once he did he would never return. No, that was unthinkable. 

Yet here he was, the sage of the untamed, holding a tome in his hand and pondering the morality of using a de-deathify spell. How had it come to this, exactly? What series of events had led up to this moment - a once young, confident and ambitious individual had become a desperate wreck of a human being, pouring over the pages of one of the most complicated magics ever written. Maybe it started the day he’d walked into the magic realm; maybe he had always been like this and it had just taken him until now to finally realise it. 

The book in front of him floated just above his hand, and he lazily flicked his wrist causing the page he was reading to turn on its own. Incantations, weather conditions, temperature - so many things to consider for this spell to work; but it had to work, he needed this to work, he needed something to work, because Morgyn couldn’t accept that somebody he’d held so dearly was gone. It just couldn’t be. The idea made his stomach turn, his chest tighten - no, no no no, he couldn’t let himself fall into that feeling again, it was driving him insane. As much as he wanted to quash it, the simple act of wanting wasn’t enough to fight off this particular emotion. He couldn’t stop, it suddenly felt like the ground beneath him had disappeared and he was falling endlessly, flailing, with nothing to grab onto to stop the momentum. Green eyes grew wide and the floating book abruptly fell into his hand where he promptly snapped it shut. With a sigh he turned away from the bookshelf. Only then did he realise that his breathing was laboured and took in a long, steady breath to calm himself. 

“What is wrong with me?” Morgyn asked the empty room, wishing somebody besides the swirling voices in his head would answer. 

It had been like this since Aine had disappeared, since he had been tasked with taking over her role. Nobody thought much of it - she had been training him to be her successor after all, it was to be expected, but not this suddenly. Morgyn knew he’d have to step into the role one day but he never imagined it would be this soon and he was not prepared. There was so much to learn, so much to master; he wasn’t equipped - wasn’t good enough to do this, to be this. People were now relying on him, asking him for guidance, and he felt like he didn’t have the ability to keep up. It was all so much, he could hardly deal with himself let alone an entire commune of spellcasters. 

1890, that was the year he had been born. Things were different back then, conservative and stringent. There was a place for everything and everyone had their place, and that is where they stayed whether it be for better or worse. Morgyn had always hated it - being the son of a bourgeois family, living in a soulless estate where he wandered the halls aimlessly wishing he was somewhere else. 

It was no wonder then, that when he happened to pass his parents’ bedroom and spotted his mother slipping on her day dress, he was fascinated. The sheer beauty and fluidity of her movements as she slid on her stockings, the soft tussle of her skirt as the dress fell into place, the quaint pop of her lips as she pressed on her lipstick. Enchanting. He wanted to do that - to be that. To be more than the simple boy he was told to be. 

And that, right there, is probably where he got his pension for biting off way more than he could ever chew. It’s what led him to start crossdressing in the wee hours of the morning, away from prying eyes. It’s what started his uncertainty about gender - was he even a boy? Could he be a girl? Honestly, he felt like neither and somehow both at the same time. How does one quantify something like that? The short answer is, at the turn of the century 1800’s, you didn’t. 

When his father caught him twirling in one of his mother’s dresses, which he had managed to procure during a time his parents were out on business and their room was ripe for the picking, he’d been admonished and belted, and told he was a good-for-nothing homosexual. 

So he left, and never looked back. He didn’t need his parents, or society, he would find his own place somewhere - and he did, as well as Aine. But now… Now she was gone, and he was alone yet again, left to face this world with nothing but his force of will and dwindling hope. 

Morgyn had never really stopped being that lost little boy wandering the estate, he had simply eschewed him in favour of a more palatable Morgyn. Nothing could be ignored forever, and now that boy was beckoning, screaming out to be heard - but Morgyn had been blocking him out for so long he’d forgotten how to listen. 

And here he stood, in an empty room, talking to himself, dreading his newfound power. He had come so far to get here, endured so much from himself and others, and yet…

He would forever be wondering, wandering, and lost.


End file.
